Reader,

Are you struggling to communicate with your loved ones on the heart-to-heart level?

When you're communicating with your romantic partner, does it feel like the conversation's on autopilot? Like you're always hashing over the same topics, with no real sense of engagement, playfulness, and surprise?

When you're communicating with your kids, do you feel stuck in the same script, over and over again? Does it feel like you're always directing your kids without actually connecting with them?

When you're communicating with a loved one, and it's not going so well, do you find yourself thinking:

But I was just being honest...

Yeah, but I'm right about this!!!

Geez, I was just trying to be helpful...

If you're struggling to communicate with your loved ones in an engaging and authentic way, here's a new approach to try:

The key to respectful communication is balancing these three elements:

• regard for the accuracy of what you're saying - is it true?
• regard for the honesty of what you're saying - do I really mean it?
• regard for the effect of what you're saying - am I saying this in the right manner at the right time?

When we lose that balance, we struggle to communicate respectfully, and our relationships suffer as a result.

When we restore that balance, our communication flows, and we feel more connected, trusting, and intimate with the people we love.

Here's an example of how this model helped one of my clients.

My client (I'll call her Marta) was struggling to communicate with her father.

Every time they met, their conversations were polite but superficial. They never engaged each other in any real detail or depth. There wasn't much vulnerability, playfulness, or surprise. They went through the motions and then went their separate ways.

Marta actually felt more distant from her father each time they talked because she felt like there was a barrier between them that they just couldn't overcome.

To help Marta break through this barrier, I led her on a role playing exercise where I pretended to be her father. I invited her to go through each of the three circles of the Venn diagram above, one at a time, so she could express her thoughts and feelings about her father more fully.

First, I invited Marta to be completely honest about how she felt toward her dad. I had her place her hands over her gut - the source of our honesty - and I encouraged her to speak freely.

Marta expressed a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings about her father that she'd been holding in for a long time, including ways he had mistreated her when she was young, and ways she felt disappointed in him now. After expressing herself so deeply and honestly, she felt lighter and more open.

Next, I invited Marta to be completely accurate about her father. I had her place her hand on her forehead - the source of our accuracy - and I encouraged her to be as factual as she could.

Now that she'd expressed her negative thoughts and feelings toward her dad, Marta felt empowered to recognize and appreciate the positive facts about him: how thoughtful he could be, how many good qualities he instilled in her, how his charisma and humor always help to lighten and brighten the mood at family gatherings, how gentle and patient he is, and how, just like her, he's a human being with flaws who's trying his best.

Lastly, I invited Marta to speak with regard to how her words will affect her father. I had her place her hand over her heart - the source of our compassion and empathy - and I encouraged her to speak from her heart to his.

Marta expressed how grateful she was to have her father in her life, that she loves him, that she cherishes their time together, and that she hopes they can share more time together in the future. There was a newfound softness in her voice as she spoke from her heart, and afterwards she felt much more love, appreciation, and gratitude toward her father.

Before the exercise, Marta was dreading seeing her father again. She didn't want to have the same superficial conversation they'd had so many times before.

After the exercise, she was excited to see her father, and she was eager to see how their next conversation would go.

When she did see him a few days later, it went "way better than she could've imagined." They spent a lot of quality time together, and their interactions were more authentic and enjoyable. "It was so easy," she said. She felt that the exercise we'd done together had freed her to experience her dad in a new and more loving way.

Instead of going into the conversation feeling weighed down by so many unexpressed thoughts and feelings, Marta met her father with a more open mind and a lighter heart, and that unlocked a new level of intimacy and enjoyment in their relationship.

If you want to improve your communication with your loved ones, schedule your free consultation with me.

That way, instead of feeling stuck in the same unsatisfying communication patterns, you can start connecting with your loved ones in a more open, honest, and caring way.

Love,

Joe

PS: here's a testimonial from another client who saw major breakthroughs in her communication style after working with me:

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